The Dawning

How long does it take to make a judgement about someone? Almost no time at all. We see them and instantaneously we have them pigeon-holed. Fat, middleclass, expensive hair, worried, ugly, gorgeous, nice shoes, fanciable, not fanciable, haughty, trashy..........Usually we either instintively feel good about someone or bad. We are comfortable in their presence, or not. We want to be nearer or keep our distance....our radar is constantly on the alert.

What about our children? How long does it take for people to make a judgement about them? Almost no time at all. They are the ones who are screaming in the supermarket, pulling down their pants in public, saying out loud "that lady's got a big belly". They are the ones standing too close to the next person in line, grabbing a spade in the sandpit, staring at the shop assistant. And the judgements? Naughty child, bad mother, she makes me uncomfortable, can't they control him? And we feel bad.

When someone has a visible disability, we see it instantly.
When someone has autism, we don't, but we still make a judgement.

When I am out with my daughter, I hold her hand. Why? She is fifteen and she is not a runner. I don't need to hold her hand. But I do. It took some soul searching to understand why I do this. I would like to think that I do it for safety. Well, partly, when we cross the road. Perhaps I just never got out of the habit from when she was little? Possibly, but that's not all. I realise I do it mainly so that people have an instant filter when they see us. "Teenage girl ... looks normal ....but having her hand held by woman old enough to be her Mother.... must have something wrong with her.......I feel ....disdain/compassion/understanding/distanced......"

It works. I reckon it takes about a second and a half for "the dawning". As soon as the "this person is different" thought kicks in, we are in differnt territory. I am lucky. We live in a small town so usually that territory means kindness and allowances made for her "oddness".

But what for the children who look "normal" but who are simply unable to act "normal".
There is no "dawning", just judgement.

And it is a brave parent who can cope with that.